STRENGTHEN YOUR... ATMAN

Sometimes I feel like a marionette. Everything I do comes out of the force that is controlling me. Though ultimately the Universe is the force-in- charge, there are other forces, like demi-gods, that seem big and in control.

For me, Fear is one of these demi-gods, and in control a lot. When fear takes over I don’t see it coming, or know that power has changed hands, or stop and say “wow, fear is in control right now.” Nope. I get upset, accuse, or lose heart.

For you, it could look different. But it’s sneaky, it comes in and takes over, and prevents you from being you.

Last week I was telling my therapist about an interaction I had where I wasn’t happy with how I acted. "I feel terrible for acting like that" I said. She asked me, “If you had felt like you had a choice in that moment, would have acted like that?”

No one has ever put it like that to me before. If I had had a choice....if I had felt any choice in the matter I would have chosen to be caring instead of angry. But I didn't feel like I had a choice-I felt like a marionette. My fear was bigger than the rest of me, and telling me what to do.

Does that ever happen to you, something not quite right dictating and telling you what to do? And do you listen? In Yoga, whenever something has your strings, fear or anger or whatever is your thing, it’s called ‘small self’.

The opposite is the big Self-called Atman. BKS Iyengar calls Atman "the individual spirit" and Georg Feuerstein calls it "our true nature or identity." Atman is the rest of you, the ‘Self’ with a big ‘S’, the being we be when those not-so-godly demi-gods are no longer in control. If every state of the small self is tinted a color, Atman is just clear, like the purest water. Atman can feel joy, while small self cannot. Imagine acting from your deepest, most beloved life intention all the time-how would you look and what would you do?

The question becomes how to strengthen the Atman! It’s such a ridiculous bummer to be ‘in’ the small self. Completely controlled, no perspective, everything in life assumes the scent of whatever is in control. We take a compliment as an insult, misinterpret someone’s actions, put up a wall, become distant or unable to give. I’ve been practicing yoga for 7 years and am still uncovering and working with layers of the small self. But as I do, every year gets better than the one before-it’s a combination of weakening the small self and strengthening the Self.

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Fear not. If nurtured, Self can become more powerful than self. All we have to do is put some effort towards Atman, the same sort of effort we put towards a plant or pet.

Q: So, how do I grow little Atman into a big, strong warrior?

I've been asking myself this question (-:

Meditate on something clean, such as the breath or a mantra. Meditating on something clean, you return to clear.

Find a yoga class where you feel safe enough to let go of your surroundings and truly dance with your breath- for the whole hour and a half- bringing your mind back to your body or breath whenever it strays.

Buy mala beads, pick a mantra that feels right, sit down and repeat it 108 or more times, allowing the purifying sound and vibration to clean out your being.

My firmest suggestion is: learn to meditate- the technique. It’s a skill everyone should have- like being able to read and write. Meditation teaches how to truly get your mind OFF of any negativity and return to neutral, to Self.

Q: How do I weaken those other things that try to control me?

Great question, because they do need to be weakened. I was pretty honest up top that I see a therapist, and it really helps.

But perhaps the greatest aid is Satsang, the company of one or a few who are also trying to be free from the pettiness of small self and who are journeying into Truth. Find some others like you, talk about your small selves and big Selves, point them out to each other, love each other through the storms of small self, and admire each other’s Atmans.

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The times in my life when I’ve been released from the marionette strings, from fear, life has become radiant. I’ve felt deeply connected to another person, I’ve been able to feel love, and been able to help heal another’s pain. It’s worth the effort, the 20 minutes or hour a day it takes to strengthen your Atman.

Song Rec:

Wade in the Water

Sweet Honey in the Rock

___

I know exactly what to do

but at the same time

I'm going off the deep end....

Ever felt that? It seems a paradox, but tonight was the perfect example:

I got a massage. During the massage as my muscles were asked to open up, days/weeks/months/years of pent up negativity poured out. Instinctively I knew I had to let it out- like an exorcism. But I cried, shuddered, and felt scared like I had nothing to hold on to. I knew I had to just fall apart, but if felt like lunacy. I thought to myself, "I have no idea where this is going."

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time the phrase "I have no idea where this is going" has come up in the 7 years I've been practicing yoga....

If I stop thinking, if I follow this strange energy, if I listen to that quiet strong voice, where will I go? We are trepidatious, but yoga isn't about knowing, it's about opening. And opening is often intense, frightening, uncertain, and turbulent.

My purpose here is to say: GOOD. Keep going. As a yogi, choosing to be awake, this is how it rolls. Relax, it's going to be a bumpy ride. In fact, if you tell me your ride isn't bumpy I raise an eyebrow at you.

You might get some flack for it. I've unfortunately noticed that sometimes there's judgement against those in the process of opening and waking up: "You're crazy. There's a pill for someone like you. You're a handful." Anyone ever told you you're a handful, and what is the definition? Someone who causes trouble, can't quite adjust, or makes things more difficult than they need to be?

A couple people in my life have told me I'm a whopping handful. They have evidence to back it up dating from my infancy- wild tantrums, uncontrollable fits of sobbing, eating disorders, depression, uncooperativeness...

My question is: Am I a handful, or am I just alive?

I'm learning that yoga, and living, isn't really cute and contained. Maybe "a handful" is really just a bad title, misgiven to those who just aren't quite enlightened but really working on it. And wait...shouldn't these people be encouraged?! We can come up with a better name. A name that honors the fact that working out deep patterns and making that enormous leap from fearful living to love is NOT EASY.

How about, instead, to celebrate these wakeful folks (or your woken-up self!) as warriors. As Hafiz says, someone who "tames the beasts of their past so that night's hoofs and no longer break the jeweled vision of their heart."

If you are taking responsibility for what holds you back from happiness I applaud you as my teacher, inspiration, and as a true yogi, even if it's a little messy.

On Tuesday in Dana Flynn's yoga class I got a little messy. Crying from twisting through savasana, I let it come out. Dana's attitude was welcoming, creating the space for me to fall apart- she even seemed a little grateful that someone else goes through it, too. The people in my life who have encouraged me to open at any cost are dear to me. If you are as eccentric as Shams, find a friend like Rumi!

For these beloved people, I do think it's important to learn how to fall gracefully, practicing ahimsa, not causing harm to them or yourself. Take responsibility in this way.

But then, get in it.

In the words of a favorite song:

'if you want change in your life and you're avoiding the trouble, you can forget it. So Harriet would say, wade on in the water...'

I'll meet you on the other side.

I once read "fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth." I would venture to say so is depression. Maybe not all forms, but there is a type of depression which occurs as we peel away layers of vrttis and ourselves. To myself, I call this 'soft depression' As we move closer to the truth, it can often seem like a letdown.

I found myself "let-down" yesterday. Nothing would make me happy. Not happy thoughts about my life, happy prospects about the future, not peanut butter hot cocoa, not the Metropolitan Museum, not a movie, not my boyfriend offering to do whatever I wanted. I looked for God- or beauty that could move me- everywhere, but couldn't seem to find it. Listless, gray, misplacing God, I wanted to quit.

After I exhausted all I could think of to lift my spirits, there was nothing left but to just hang with the darkness. You know that place? Some people call it rock bottom. "I remember, I remember when I lost my mind" sings Gnarls Barclay. One gives in to the mysterious forces at work, helpless otherwise, one becomes still.

I was silent for a long time. Just waiting...for something to come along and help me understand.

60 minutes after I hit the bottom, feeling still and raw, I shared a close moment with another being. Immediately, my spirit woke up a little.

The key words there are stillness and rawness. They set the stage for me to wake up. Openness. From a state of being open beauty will touch us. We will feel love. But when we are not in a place of openness, beauty will not touch us and we will not feel love- not really. Then, we will search for satisfaction in the mind, the future, in sensual pleasures, in activity or distraction, or in somebody else. This disease of searching for satisfaction where it cannot be found manifests a symptom like emptiness or depression.

You might wonder, what's wrong with thinking happy thoughts about life, about the future, drinking PB hot cocoa, etc?! And the answer is: nothing (Three Tarts on 23rd and 9th has the PB cocoa, btw) The problem comes when we think this is all we need in order to run. I'm learning that nothing that arises from my mind or senses is really enough to keep me running.

So what am I actually looking for, what WILL I run on? I think human beings are fueled by some pretty deep, high caliber gasoline. Two things.1. GIVING love. LOVE-ing the verb. And,

2. OPENNESS. Rawness, exposure. Here, I feel able to be moved by life, and able to actually receive the love that comes my way.

So, we practice. Practice loving and opening.

Of the two, today the latter is more difficult. How do I break open without breaking down? After I was depressed I felt so fresh, real, and plaque-free....can I feel like that all the time?

About opening, I was reminded of the beginning of a poem by Mark Nepo. My teacher, Dana Flynn, read it in class:

Having loved enough and lost enough, I am no longer searching, just opening.

No Longer trying to make sense of pain, but trying to be a soft and sturdy home in which real things can land.

Life is about opening, more and more. I don't know exactly how a being opens but I know the more I want to, the more I do. A huge part of opening, evolving, is investigating. Why am I depressed? Or angry? Sitting with it, I found my depression to be the symptom of a greater issue; me putting regular into a tank that only takes premium.

The place on the Path in between where we've been and where we're going is soft depression. Just beyond believing that maya (illusion) will satisfy us and just before really knowing how to LIVE in love and openness. It's tempting to run away from this in-between space, but hanging out here is the only way to learn how to live differently. The weirdness, whackness or depression...instead of the Universe punishing us is actually the Universe loving us, raising the incentive for us to figure out the difference between sort of happy and damn happy.

Some people like to take apart computers or cars, but I love to take my fears apart, dismember them, seeing what they are made out of.

When I was a kid I would ask my mom a question, then ask "but why?" until she could no longer answer. She would get exasperated and say "Oy! You are too curious." I'm grateful for this skill of wondering I developed as a kid since now I approach my fears the same way. Why? Why? Why?

It helps me to uncover the truth.

I take a fear and follow it all the way to the end, like unravelling a thread. For me, it always ends the same place.

Like the L train terminates in Canarsie, all my fears end in the same, deep concern: that I might be "unloveable." Fundamentally not worth the real estate I have in this universe.

It's funny to even write it- immediately it sounds ridiculous. I wonder if only I feel this way. No- the more research (meaning living) that I do, the more I find that in some way or another, many other people battle the same misconception. This fear just has a lot of costumes. It disguises itself as anger, control, being bitchy, moody, cold....

My friend Luke and I repeat this conversation about Love over and over. It just keeps coming up. We've dubbed it "primordial self-worth": the deepest confidence a person can possess. This confidence lies not in how smart, wealthy, talented (how many years did I think this?), beautiful (still working), how strong or sweet they are, but in whether they know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they are worth the space they take up on this planet.

It's SO tricky. I could tell you till I'm blue in the face (like Krishna!) that I love you, but would you believe me?

Or would some part of you think "well, if you knew this about me..."

Some of my favorite personal reasons I'm not lovable: "I'm just too much person to handle" and "I have this one, fatal flaw..."

Great...so, what to do?

I don't know. Sorry. All I know is to LOOK.

My purpose in writing this is to emphasize how important it is to take the thread, unravel it, find the end. Take a fear and ask WHY.

Just that is powerful.

I ask my questions with movement. I ask them as I sit. I encapsulate my questions in mantras and chant them. I write my questions, bounce them off good friends, make classes out of them, walk the streets of New York City with them. And by following the rabbit hole as far as it goes and then exploring where I end up, I feel like there is hope for me to overcome, to get what I want in this life. Fatal flaws, insurmountable hurdles, deep-set misconceptions, paralyzing fear- it can ALL be worked with.

As my boy and renowned yogi Krishnamacharya taught: "Something that is impossible at this moment becomes possible through Yoga....In stages, the impossible becomes possible."

"Stop Looking, Start Living."

-Mark Whitwell

My idea of what it means to be a yogi has been expanded by the fact that today I spent 3 hours in Macy's shopping for shoes.

Yes, I spent 3 hours picking out heels to wear to my friends wedding. It took 3 hours because heels are something I never buy, and since I was deciding between two dresses. Mostly, it took 3 hours because some aspect of the feminine in me just wants to look really good.

So how did this challenge my idea of what a yogi is? I'm just usually less the girly type and more the kind who goes to Kirtan, like last night's chanting with Suzanne Sterling, a badass blonde from Los Angeles who can amp a room of people into a tizzy of dancing and freedom. I'm also someone who has spent the last 6 years putting Sadhana- or spiritual practice- above anything else. Like, not going out on Friday night because I want to sit. And that's how I've understood what spirituality is.

So, the shoes- along with the whole new side of me that is emerging that wants to be beautiful, adorned, a little softer- at times feels like a swerve off the yogic path. My old ways, parts of me that care deeply about expanding, serving, making a positive change, feel threatened. Will this new side take over? And wait,

I've always thought it was practice, hard work, and service that = spirituality.

Really, is attending Kirtan more spiritual than shopping for shoes, and why? I consider things in my life worthwhile if they are geared towards God, the benefit of All, Light- whatever you call it-

but is my concept of what is God-ly too contracted?

Stewing over whether I'm turing into a monster, I remembered something read at Bhaktifest, a yoga festival held in Joshua Tree, California, that I recently attended. A sweet-singing, sari-adorned Kirtan walla commanded the attention of her audience as she read the "19 Inherent Qualities of Radha." It is (to some) a description of the Divine Feminine. The qualities are:

Boundless love

Sacrifice competing with that Love

Universal Compassion

Changing emotional nature

Selflessness

Sweetness of Speech

Expansive Generosity

Simplicity

Helping Nature

Clarity of Intellect

Dispassion of Volcanic Power

Magnetic Purity

Childlike heart

Motherly Concern

Moon-like coolness

Softness of a flower

Himalayan power of will

Sacred Nature of the Ganges

Merged in Bliss

Whoa!

Look how MULTI-FACETED divine Radha is. In this picture of the Feminine there are so many opposites! Radha is at one moment cared for (softness of a flower), and the next moment caring (motherly concern). She is both of this world (changing emotional nature) and of another (Sacred Nature of the Ganges). As is called for in the moment. And I'll bet she can switch on a dime.

And ALL these qualities of hers fall under the umbrella of 'divine.' Like Radha, perhaps the different aspects of myself- instead of threatening each other- are actually meant to compliment one another. One can feed PRANA (life force) to another if I allow them to.

Radha and her 19 divine qualities are helping me widen my idea of what a yogi is, of what being spiritual is. Think of what you consider to be "non yogic" in your life- is there actually room for it somewhere?

Patanjali says that yoga is the stilling of the mind, yogas ctta vrtti nirodha- not one activity or the other. The mind can be still doing any number of things-

whether I'm chanting the name of the divine or buying patent leather heels for a wedding.

I can keep my deepest intentions close.

We are allowed to start living, yoga goes with everything.

finding the holy in what I choose to do

I make it holy.

If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out

Song Rec: "If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out"

Artist: Cat Stevens

Album: Footsteps in the Dark: Greatest Hits, Vol.2

I'm learning so much right now I feel a like I've just gotten off a roller coaster, whoaaaaa

but from the most bizarre mediums.

No class, no book, no poem, no teacher

I'm learning by ADMIRING. By attraction to...

Voices:

breathy Cat Power

harsh Beyonce

cosmically feminine Sheila Chandra

Styles:

a flourescent statement of lipstick

a frayed tribal feathered getup

People:

the way my friend tips her head back and laughs.

When I admire something I take note, put a yellow sticky on it that says "there is something here."

I think we admire something when it's us-- what is inside is magnetized to what is outside. I just saw a dance performance where one piece started with one dancer alone on stage, staring at the audience. I loved how aliveness and power radiated like heat from the dancer to me in my seat. Part of me wanted to run down onto the stage, (gently) knock her into the wings and replace her! The intensity she was oozing- I feel it too- I wanted to stare at the audience, my eyes glowing like a demon or X-man.

When you admire something or someone, it is because you're working your way back to it. But, of course, the mind can get in the way:

Mind: "YOU, my dear, are NOTHING like Beyonce."

Molly: "Says who?"

Yes, my mind doesn't always agree with what I sense, smell, hear as a whisper about myself; with what is weakly banging its fists on the inside of my belly and yelling to get out. I might not look anything like Beyonce, but I feel an inner Beyonce! The way her voice is beautiful but also slightly threatening...her new video "Girls Run the World"....both remind me of something, somewhere in me.

And to not follow these impulses is actually scarier than the seemingly terrifying process that is becoming who we really are. I just spoke with a friend about this- how to block life actually hurts more than the ups and downs of living it. Still meditating on that one.

I find this is often the frustration people bring to their yoga mat- they sense one thing about who they are, but nothing in our society encourages believing or listening to things that cannot be proven, held, or measured. Yet the pain of being in an identity that 'doesn't quite cover it' is intense. I can relate. For a while I really donned the identity of "slyph"- fantastical willowy being in white who wafts from here to there. Well, that doesn't quite cover me.

So, right now I'm working on allowing myself to ADMIRE. I'm realizing that my ego doesn't need to be so defensive when I see something I am attracted to- I already HAVE it. And besides, being able to admire, to be attracted- is being able to be a student, is being able to evolve. What do you admire?

Rumi says: “Why do you stay in prison, when the door is so wide open?"

The door to being exactly who you sense you are is totally, completely open.

Can you walk through?

How To Change The World in Your 20s

“What you are, the world is. Without your transformation, there can be no transformation of the world. Only a profound inward revolution which alters all our values can create a different environment, an intelligent social structure, and such a revolution can only be brought about by you and me. No new order will arise until we individually break down our psychological barriers and are free.”

J. Krishnamurti

Thursday, before taking Elena Brower's yoga class, I check out her bookshelf. There is a book called "How To Change the World in Your 20s". I open it. Idea 1: Throw a dinner party to raise money for a specific cause. Idea 2: E-mail a state representative your thoughts on...

Time’s up. Class begins.

The next day I call my father. Topic: health insurance.

Molly: “Why do I, as an American, have to pay $250 a month for a bare bones health plan that only provides services if something major and terrible happens to me? How do other countries approach health care?”

Dad explains how health care reform in the US is moving slowly. Decisions about healthcare here are influenced by the interests of large corporations, who have often worked their people into the political infrastructure, and instead of supporting legislation that might provide Americans like myself with affordable healthcare, they protect themselves and their own interests.

The conversation leaves me sobered and feeling as though things in the US and globally are headed downhill, inevitably. I say "wow" and "geez" a lot- words expressing helplessness and confusion- how I feel that this Age (the Kali Yug , or Age of Darkness) is like a boulder rolling down a hill....my two outstretched hands couldn’t possibly stop it. I think back to the book I picked up. I don’t really want to throw a dinner party.

But don’t you ever wish you could DO something to HELP?

Every day I pray to be useful. I think about what Krishnamurti said, how the most noble job- the most useful thing you can do- is to just heal yourself. Could that be true? Are you sure I don't have to go to law school? I have noticed that when I am happier and in a space of love, I am more apt to share. Practicing yoga has given me ways to manage my own fear, and this gives me room. Room to say Sure, get on the train first, I’m going to be OK.

You know how when you are feeling good, you treat others well? The yoga practice lifts your spirits up to a sort of base-camp; it’s not the top of the mountain, but you feel a basic level of happiness that allows you to be kind, and share.

More YOGA=More LOVEing=More SHARING.

You might say, but I’m just ONE person!

And my rebuttal is: remember when hardly anyone used reusable shopping bags?

It’s daunting. And maybe the world - with global warming and nuclear warfare- actually will detonate and begin anew in the age of Truth. But I always think of the movie Titanic. How, when the ship started to go down and everybody realized they were going to die, that band started playing! Beautiful music- to sing and dance to- in the midst of destruction.

That’s what I want to do. Just be music and light in the midst of it all. And it takes work! Sitting down, getting on the mat, questioning, learning from those a few steps ahead.

Let’s change the world- be you 20, 30, 40. Let's make LOVE look so good, everybody’s gonna want to do it. LOVE will be sexy. Let's LOVE with such ridiculous resonance that we inspire someone else to do the same, and it will spread like reusable shopping bags until it reaches those asshole politicians.

So far, that’s my plan to change the world. I’m listening for the next instruction.