Song Rec:

Wade in the Water

Sweet Honey in the Rock

___

I know exactly what to do

but at the same time

I'm going off the deep end....

Ever felt that? It seems a paradox, but tonight was the perfect example:

I got a massage. During the massage as my muscles were asked to open up, days/weeks/months/years of pent up negativity poured out. Instinctively I knew I had to let it out- like an exorcism. But I cried, shuddered, and felt scared like I had nothing to hold on to. I knew I had to just fall apart, but if felt like lunacy. I thought to myself, "I have no idea where this is going."

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time the phrase "I have no idea where this is going" has come up in the 7 years I've been practicing yoga....

If I stop thinking, if I follow this strange energy, if I listen to that quiet strong voice, where will I go? We are trepidatious, but yoga isn't about knowing, it's about opening. And opening is often intense, frightening, uncertain, and turbulent.

My purpose here is to say: GOOD. Keep going. As a yogi, choosing to be awake, this is how it rolls. Relax, it's going to be a bumpy ride. In fact, if you tell me your ride isn't bumpy I raise an eyebrow at you.

You might get some flack for it. I've unfortunately noticed that sometimes there's judgement against those in the process of opening and waking up: "You're crazy. There's a pill for someone like you. You're a handful." Anyone ever told you you're a handful, and what is the definition? Someone who causes trouble, can't quite adjust, or makes things more difficult than they need to be?

A couple people in my life have told me I'm a whopping handful. They have evidence to back it up dating from my infancy- wild tantrums, uncontrollable fits of sobbing, eating disorders, depression, uncooperativeness...

My question is: Am I a handful, or am I just alive?

I'm learning that yoga, and living, isn't really cute and contained. Maybe "a handful" is really just a bad title, misgiven to those who just aren't quite enlightened but really working on it. And wait...shouldn't these people be encouraged?! We can come up with a better name. A name that honors the fact that working out deep patterns and making that enormous leap from fearful living to love is NOT EASY.

How about, instead, to celebrate these wakeful folks (or your woken-up self!) as warriors. As Hafiz says, someone who "tames the beasts of their past so that night's hoofs and no longer break the jeweled vision of their heart."

If you are taking responsibility for what holds you back from happiness I applaud you as my teacher, inspiration, and as a true yogi, even if it's a little messy.

On Tuesday in Dana Flynn's yoga class I got a little messy. Crying from twisting through savasana, I let it come out. Dana's attitude was welcoming, creating the space for me to fall apart- she even seemed a little grateful that someone else goes through it, too. The people in my life who have encouraged me to open at any cost are dear to me. If you are as eccentric as Shams, find a friend like Rumi!

For these beloved people, I do think it's important to learn how to fall gracefully, practicing ahimsa, not causing harm to them or yourself. Take responsibility in this way.

But then, get in it.

In the words of a favorite song:

'if you want change in your life and you're avoiding the trouble, you can forget it. So Harriet would say, wade on in the water...'

I'll meet you on the other side.