STRENGTHEN YOUR... ATMAN

Sometimes I feel like a marionette. Everything I do comes out of the force that is controlling me. Though ultimately the Universe is the force-in- charge, there are other forces, like demi-gods, that seem big and in control.

For me, Fear is one of these demi-gods, and in control a lot. When fear takes over I don’t see it coming, or know that power has changed hands, or stop and say “wow, fear is in control right now.” Nope. I get upset, accuse, or lose heart.

For you, it could look different. But it’s sneaky, it comes in and takes over, and prevents you from being you.

Last week I was telling my therapist about an interaction I had where I wasn’t happy with how I acted. "I feel terrible for acting like that" I said. She asked me, “If you had felt like you had a choice in that moment, would have acted like that?”

No one has ever put it like that to me before. If I had had a choice....if I had felt any choice in the matter I would have chosen to be caring instead of angry. But I didn't feel like I had a choice-I felt like a marionette. My fear was bigger than the rest of me, and telling me what to do.

Does that ever happen to you, something not quite right dictating and telling you what to do? And do you listen? In Yoga, whenever something has your strings, fear or anger or whatever is your thing, it’s called ‘small self’.

The opposite is the big Self-called Atman. BKS Iyengar calls Atman "the individual spirit" and Georg Feuerstein calls it "our true nature or identity." Atman is the rest of you, the ‘Self’ with a big ‘S’, the being we be when those not-so-godly demi-gods are no longer in control. If every state of the small self is tinted a color, Atman is just clear, like the purest water. Atman can feel joy, while small self cannot. Imagine acting from your deepest, most beloved life intention all the time-how would you look and what would you do?

The question becomes how to strengthen the Atman! It’s such a ridiculous bummer to be ‘in’ the small self. Completely controlled, no perspective, everything in life assumes the scent of whatever is in control. We take a compliment as an insult, misinterpret someone’s actions, put up a wall, become distant or unable to give. I’ve been practicing yoga for 7 years and am still uncovering and working with layers of the small self. But as I do, every year gets better than the one before-it’s a combination of weakening the small self and strengthening the Self.

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Fear not. If nurtured, Self can become more powerful than self. All we have to do is put some effort towards Atman, the same sort of effort we put towards a plant or pet.

Q: So, how do I grow little Atman into a big, strong warrior?

I've been asking myself this question (-:

Meditate on something clean, such as the breath or a mantra. Meditating on something clean, you return to clear.

Find a yoga class where you feel safe enough to let go of your surroundings and truly dance with your breath- for the whole hour and a half- bringing your mind back to your body or breath whenever it strays.

Buy mala beads, pick a mantra that feels right, sit down and repeat it 108 or more times, allowing the purifying sound and vibration to clean out your being.

My firmest suggestion is: learn to meditate- the technique. It’s a skill everyone should have- like being able to read and write. Meditation teaches how to truly get your mind OFF of any negativity and return to neutral, to Self.

Q: How do I weaken those other things that try to control me?

Great question, because they do need to be weakened. I was pretty honest up top that I see a therapist, and it really helps.

But perhaps the greatest aid is Satsang, the company of one or a few who are also trying to be free from the pettiness of small self and who are journeying into Truth. Find some others like you, talk about your small selves and big Selves, point them out to each other, love each other through the storms of small self, and admire each other’s Atmans.

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The times in my life when I’ve been released from the marionette strings, from fear, life has become radiant. I’ve felt deeply connected to another person, I’ve been able to feel love, and been able to help heal another’s pain. It’s worth the effort, the 20 minutes or hour a day it takes to strengthen your Atman.