If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out

Song Rec: "If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out"

Artist: Cat Stevens

Album: Footsteps in the Dark: Greatest Hits, Vol.2

I'm learning so much right now I feel a like I've just gotten off a roller coaster, whoaaaaa

but from the most bizarre mediums.

No class, no book, no poem, no teacher

I'm learning by ADMIRING. By attraction to...

Voices:

breathy Cat Power

harsh Beyonce

cosmically feminine Sheila Chandra

Styles:

a flourescent statement of lipstick

a frayed tribal feathered getup

People:

the way my friend tips her head back and laughs.

When I admire something I take note, put a yellow sticky on it that says "there is something here."

I think we admire something when it's us-- what is inside is magnetized to what is outside. I just saw a dance performance where one piece started with one dancer alone on stage, staring at the audience. I loved how aliveness and power radiated like heat from the dancer to me in my seat. Part of me wanted to run down onto the stage, (gently) knock her into the wings and replace her! The intensity she was oozing- I feel it too- I wanted to stare at the audience, my eyes glowing like a demon or X-man.

When you admire something or someone, it is because you're working your way back to it. But, of course, the mind can get in the way:

Mind: "YOU, my dear, are NOTHING like Beyonce."

Molly: "Says who?"

Yes, my mind doesn't always agree with what I sense, smell, hear as a whisper about myself; with what is weakly banging its fists on the inside of my belly and yelling to get out. I might not look anything like Beyonce, but I feel an inner Beyonce! The way her voice is beautiful but also slightly threatening...her new video "Girls Run the World"....both remind me of something, somewhere in me.

And to not follow these impulses is actually scarier than the seemingly terrifying process that is becoming who we really are. I just spoke with a friend about this- how to block life actually hurts more than the ups and downs of living it. Still meditating on that one.

I find this is often the frustration people bring to their yoga mat- they sense one thing about who they are, but nothing in our society encourages believing or listening to things that cannot be proven, held, or measured. Yet the pain of being in an identity that 'doesn't quite cover it' is intense. I can relate. For a while I really donned the identity of "slyph"- fantastical willowy being in white who wafts from here to there. Well, that doesn't quite cover me.

So, right now I'm working on allowing myself to ADMIRE. I'm realizing that my ego doesn't need to be so defensive when I see something I am attracted to- I already HAVE it. And besides, being able to admire, to be attracted- is being able to be a student, is being able to evolve. What do you admire?

Rumi says: “Why do you stay in prison, when the door is so wide open?"

The door to being exactly who you sense you are is totally, completely open.

Can you walk through?

How To Change The World in Your 20s

“What you are, the world is. Without your transformation, there can be no transformation of the world. Only a profound inward revolution which alters all our values can create a different environment, an intelligent social structure, and such a revolution can only be brought about by you and me. No new order will arise until we individually break down our psychological barriers and are free.”

J. Krishnamurti

Thursday, before taking Elena Brower's yoga class, I check out her bookshelf. There is a book called "How To Change the World in Your 20s". I open it. Idea 1: Throw a dinner party to raise money for a specific cause. Idea 2: E-mail a state representative your thoughts on...

Time’s up. Class begins.

The next day I call my father. Topic: health insurance.

Molly: “Why do I, as an American, have to pay $250 a month for a bare bones health plan that only provides services if something major and terrible happens to me? How do other countries approach health care?”

Dad explains how health care reform in the US is moving slowly. Decisions about healthcare here are influenced by the interests of large corporations, who have often worked their people into the political infrastructure, and instead of supporting legislation that might provide Americans like myself with affordable healthcare, they protect themselves and their own interests.

The conversation leaves me sobered and feeling as though things in the US and globally are headed downhill, inevitably. I say "wow" and "geez" a lot- words expressing helplessness and confusion- how I feel that this Age (the Kali Yug , or Age of Darkness) is like a boulder rolling down a hill....my two outstretched hands couldn’t possibly stop it. I think back to the book I picked up. I don’t really want to throw a dinner party.

But don’t you ever wish you could DO something to HELP?

Every day I pray to be useful. I think about what Krishnamurti said, how the most noble job- the most useful thing you can do- is to just heal yourself. Could that be true? Are you sure I don't have to go to law school? I have noticed that when I am happier and in a space of love, I am more apt to share. Practicing yoga has given me ways to manage my own fear, and this gives me room. Room to say Sure, get on the train first, I’m going to be OK.

You know how when you are feeling good, you treat others well? The yoga practice lifts your spirits up to a sort of base-camp; it’s not the top of the mountain, but you feel a basic level of happiness that allows you to be kind, and share.

More YOGA=More LOVEing=More SHARING.

You might say, but I’m just ONE person!

And my rebuttal is: remember when hardly anyone used reusable shopping bags?

It’s daunting. And maybe the world - with global warming and nuclear warfare- actually will detonate and begin anew in the age of Truth. But I always think of the movie Titanic. How, when the ship started to go down and everybody realized they were going to die, that band started playing! Beautiful music- to sing and dance to- in the midst of destruction.

That’s what I want to do. Just be music and light in the midst of it all. And it takes work! Sitting down, getting on the mat, questioning, learning from those a few steps ahead.

Let’s change the world- be you 20, 30, 40. Let's make LOVE look so good, everybody’s gonna want to do it. LOVE will be sexy. Let's LOVE with such ridiculous resonance that we inspire someone else to do the same, and it will spread like reusable shopping bags until it reaches those asshole politicians.

So far, that’s my plan to change the world. I’m listening for the next instruction.

MOLLY, TRADEMARK

Song Rec: I Shot The Sheriff

Artist: Eric Clapton

Album: Time Pieces

Friday night making my way home from a friend's play in the East Village, I get on the L train in the same car as a heavily sunburned, dirty, tattooed man who is obviously high. Mr. High begins to have a loud argument, angrily, with nobody (at least nobody visible). The passengers near him inch away. At Lorimer stop, doors open and most people get off, but the man sits down next to me, still shouting and calling out.

Before the doors close again into the car comes a tall black man, slender, peaceful looking in a dark blue collared shirt, with a guitar hung on a strap around his neck. He reminds me of Robin Hood and I think: he needs a cap with a feather. He is playing for money, and the selection is I Shot The Sheriff. It doesn't take him long, though, to hear the man next to me cursing and shouting and interfering with his song.

Guitar Man pauses, thinks. He sits himself in between me and the angry man. He starts to sing to the man as though he were sitting on the edge of a hospital bed, serenading the patient. I shot the sheriff...but I did not shoot the deputy!

The drugged-out man stops calling wildly to the space around him and listens to the music for a few moments as though hearing something he has forgotten. Then he starts to sing himself- they sing together.

I watched, downloaded this experience into my being.

- - -

Fast forward. I call mom to remind her I’m here.

Mother: "What's new?"

Daughter: “Just took a yoga class. I'm walking up 6th avenue, from Soho to Chelsea, it's muggy and warm, and I just ran in to Megan and Dave!"

Mom: "Oh. ok."

There's a funny silence on the end of her words that makes me dig around for something more to say, such as "I got a new gig that I start this week" or "I just found out I’m doing x-and-such, and it’s a big honor." Something in my life that she will find exciting...

I think back to my experience on the train and consider telling her about it. Will she feel how I felt? Will she say, "Wow, that is so fucking beautiful,” ?

Probably not. So I find a subject we can both partake in- her upcoming trip to New York City (she can’t wait to go to the Botanical Gardens and a restaurant called Peasant).

I get that it’s hard to understand how a mere yoga class or walk through New York City during a pause in a rainstorm could be that exciting. But these days, even the sound of rain pattering on my window excites me. And yes, those 10 minutes on the L train pumped more life into me than any other part of my week.

I attribute this “change of tastes” to the yoga practice. It’s just part of what yoga does- trains you to see life with different eyes, hunger for different food, soul-food instead of mind-food. These small, daily things make a part of me deeply happy, and I’m starting, slowly, to spend more time in that part. See, the Spirit (or soul) just wants to feel ALIVE. The Spirit wants to EXPERIENCE.

(Whereas, we know what mind’s jam: I AM MOLLY. MOLLY MOLLY MOLLY…trademark).

Where I am now, every day is a mixture, an odd-flavored smoothie of Spirit and Ego. The whole game is in one moment of teaching: my mind is worried whether things are going ok, but another part of me doesn’t give two shits whether ‘things’ are ok… are YOU ok?!? DO YOU FEEL ALIVE?!?

So, where does one get an idea of what Spirit even is? (Whole Foods, of course) No- by asking over and over and over. For me, it’s the difference between life in gray and life in neon.

Of Spirit, I’ll leave you with this, from a teacher whose clarity I admire:

‘More and more I am less and less in evidence to myself. More and more I’m just whatever it is I am doing at the moment. It’s just happening, I’m just action. I’m not acting self-consciously. But it’s different from the unconscious action I’ve performed most of my life. All I want is to become like a finger on the hand of his consciousness.”

Ram Dass, Be Love Now, pg 191

INSTRUMENT OF THE DIVINE

Song Rec: Mind vs. Heart/ Artist: Nneka/ Album: Concrete Jungle

"What should I do with my life?" I asked.

"You don't have to do anything. Pay your rent. Things will just happen. If something is taken away, put some effort in. If anything is given to you, see it through."

This guidance came from Joan Suval after a talk she gave at the Ananda Ashram. She is the eldest yogi I've ever met- and a powerful lady.

But wow, how LOOSE is that advice? Most of us receive direction more like “you should go to graduate school in Dance Therapy.” She pretty much told me to just be awake- that’s all I can do and the rest will be done.

Operating this loosely brings up one of my great struggles; the idea that I am NOT IN CHARGE. Or, the idea that I am an INSTRUMENT OF THE DIVINE, as one of my favorite literary characters, Owen Meany, says.

An Instrument of the Divine is exactly what is sounds like- something that is used to further/carry out the grander scheme. As the instrument, my role in that game might be what I envision and it might not.

It’s sobering. Airplanes have really helped with my understanding of what this even means. No one prays more than me, when on an airplane. I won't forget the turbulence flying over Japan on my way back from China: OH MY GOD WHOA I'm in a machine 50,000 feet in the air. I have no control, all I can do is pray.

In truth, every moment is like this- raw and unprotected. I experience control-less-ness on my yoga mat, too. That moment when the bass is no longer in the floor, but rattling up my spine; when the song is no longer on the stereo, but filling me up; when I am no longer my personality, I'm just doing what I want because this feels good and that feels good. And when I’m no longer sure what’s happening, but I’m breathing. In this mysterious moment, when everything is waking up, for some reason I get that same OH MY GOD WHOA! feeling.

And hear this: the more comfortable I am with not knowing, with OH MY GOD WHOA!...

the happier I get.

Really? How could such an uncertain, tenuous state make me happy?!

I’ll explain. The reason I’m writing any of this is because recently in my life, something occurred that wouldn’t have been my choice. I was wallowing in sadness and fear when a good friend told me, with a loving harshness, not to give it so much attention. Don’t give the mind so much attention.

From his words I realized I just have to keep on truckin’ through the storm, just keep doing my job, which is to Love. I’ve never stood up quite this way before.

In order to do so, I had to call upon Owen Meany, aforementioned Instrument of the Divine, to help me make friends with the idea that what I consider to be “bad and wrong” in my life might actually be grooming me, grooming me for my greater role as a part of this universe.

So, hanging with the unknown is saving me from my own mind, who is distracted, directs loudly, approaches me and others with meanness and harshness, and as a result makes me feel like a loser baby (so why don't you…).

As an Instrument, I just listen quietly, follow honorably, love fiercely, and keep on going courageously.

Love Is...

Song Recommedation: Love

Artist: The Cure

Album: Instant Karma

"Love is actually a state of being, and a divine state at that, the state to which we all yearn to return."

-Ram Dass, Be Love Now

Just before savasana ends, I open my eyes. Orange light, sunlight through orange curtains, fills the room. Ambient 6th avenue honking outside. I have my own rectangle of space though I am gloriously not alone- forty others lay on their personal rectangles- and the room itself seems to embrace us all, maternally, with arms made out of the warm air.

Truly, I would be happy to lay here forever.

What is this feeling? Though it's just me, laying there on a mat, I feel as though I'm with someone- a friend- those arms made of light. This someone is fearless, and to them, I am the most precious thing. This feeling is so ridiculously/addictively/sickeningly good that upon returning to it, I cry a few over the tragedy of having been apart.

I think this is what I will call Love. I've come to know this feeling recently, and in two ways: one, from work done on the yoga mat. Two, from being around other people who have cultivated this mysterious companionship within themselves.

Chewing on the idea of Love, today told my friends how I have a hard time being alone with myself- how it's often not a loving space. They looked mystified. "I love myself, I have no problem being alone," said one. "Me too," added the other. "Oh." I said, a little shocked.

Is it just me? When I'm alone, something goes rotten. There is no warm embrace like in the orange-light room. Instead, there is a feeling of sharp separateness, fear, darkness, and meanness. It's difficult to describe, but I can safely say that the "Friend" ain't there.

Maybe I didn't properly explain to my friends that I'm not talking about your ordinary, 'we're-related' or 'today I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw' kind of love. I'm talking about the deepest Love- one I have no reference for but I smell, I can sense is possible.

Or maybe I do have a reference- personal experience. For a few weeks, I was attending a Breathwork circle- some of us getting together to do a long, difficult pranayama (breath practice) followed by a long savasana. Though I can be stoic, every single Breathwork session I shocked myself by crying. After struggling through that breath I would arrive in savasana at this place of incredible tenderness, so powerful it was almost as though there was another presence being tender towards me. Yet it was only me there.

Rumi and Hafiz talk about "the Friend" and Ram Dass writes that Love is a state of being. Is this what they mean?

I can't help but ask- what would life feel like if this sweetness or Love was a continual reality?

For some people, it is the reality! I have the great karma of knowing a few beings, who, largely, have ended all MEANNESS towards themselves- I mean, ALL meanness ("why did I just do that?"). And their eyes have this unwavering gaze, a fearlessness. Simply being in the presence of these folks is a radiation therapy. I seem to learn from them without words.

So I've been playing with it on my own. I feel like Curious George, asking "what would happen....if I added some love here?" and I draw upon my experiences and observations of Love as guidance. Or sometimes I think of the mantra "I'm with Love" (an improvement upon the T-shirt slogan "I'm with Stupid"). While yoga classes are meant to feed you, but they are also meant to teach you how to feed yourself. We get together to manufacture Love, then hopefully after class when we go our separate ways, we are still singular factories of Love for those around us: on the train, on the street, in the market.

It's in, it's out, it's up and down. Some days I am Being Love, and other days begin with a vacuous "Huh?"

But as Ram Dass says "There's no going back. The lingering taste of that ultimate sweetness remains and won't be denied."

FEAR VS FEARLESS

I get scared really easily. When I walk home after dark, I'm scared. The kids on my block yell "fuck you bitch" at each other and that brings a dark, Kali-yug fear over me. When I'm typing my password into my online banking- trust me I'm scared. Some days, I'm SO scared of life that I want to drop my purse in the middle of the sidewalk, look up and shout "who the HELL is PROTECTING me here?!"

Nothing is protecting you. Except, perhaps, prayer.

Does that terrify you? It terrifies me. I thought something was protecting me- my mother, my teacher, my job. My parents worry as though worry will protect them from pain. But I'm beginning to see how not only are these things not protecting me from life, my fear isn't, either. We are all raw and exposed to the decisions of the Universe. Feeling fear will not shield me from what is feared!

What shifted? It was a few days ago that something came loose. I had the new experience of a Reiki session. Afterwards, I was walking in the cool spring air with my friend and I felt at ease on a level I had never felt before. It was a Glimpse. A glimpse of a way of being that is obviously possible, yet I do not regularly practice. We have glimpses like these as we do spiritual work: "wow, this is what love feels like." Or maybe it's a glimpse of spaciousness, awakeness, the true hipness of your Being!

So even though the next day I was back to normal, the memory of that Glimpse stayed with me. I think we crawl our way slowly back to what we glimpsed, using the memory of it, until it becomes our reality. I guess that's good news- I'm slowly, in immeasurable micro-increments, working my way back towards how I felt post-Reiki.

Today felt like progress. In fact, today I felt like a modern, Vans-slip-ons-wearing Joan of Arc. Facing the battle of life completely afraid, but facing it. For example, today as usual I felt the shrill shriek of my soul asking "what will become of me!" This question lets me know I'm freaked-out, and strangely it often occurs while I'm doing what I love, teaching. But today, after the question, came echo echo echo. Moving on.

I feel fear.

But I don't feel afraid.

It's powerful, and it Serves. Last week I was with someone I've always seen as fearless. In our conversation, I realized they were feeling doubtful about the future, and unsafe. Even though the idea of such a strong, protecting person being scared made me scared, I sensed how I could either perpetuate or stop the 'afraid.' I think that seeing the people I love be afraid has been my most powerful schooling in Courage. One of us needs to step up....I'll do it. I'm here to tell you that one way or another, you and I will be OK.

That's what I'm working towards. I still think that living is terrifying. But, not pretending that it's otherwise, I'm developing a new way of being- I'm really savoring the times I feel happy and safe. Today I took my favorite yoga class and I felt a new joy in being there- in singing, dancing, then sweetly resting with friends and family. How lucky. Maybe deep happiness comes from just deep understanding that nothing is promised.