INSTRUMENT OF THE DIVINE

Song Rec: Mind vs. Heart/ Artist: Nneka/ Album: Concrete Jungle

"What should I do with my life?" I asked.

"You don't have to do anything. Pay your rent. Things will just happen. If something is taken away, put some effort in. If anything is given to you, see it through."

This guidance came from Joan Suval after a talk she gave at the Ananda Ashram. She is the eldest yogi I've ever met- and a powerful lady.

But wow, how LOOSE is that advice? Most of us receive direction more like “you should go to graduate school in Dance Therapy.” She pretty much told me to just be awake- that’s all I can do and the rest will be done.

Operating this loosely brings up one of my great struggles; the idea that I am NOT IN CHARGE. Or, the idea that I am an INSTRUMENT OF THE DIVINE, as one of my favorite literary characters, Owen Meany, says.

An Instrument of the Divine is exactly what is sounds like- something that is used to further/carry out the grander scheme. As the instrument, my role in that game might be what I envision and it might not.

It’s sobering. Airplanes have really helped with my understanding of what this even means. No one prays more than me, when on an airplane. I won't forget the turbulence flying over Japan on my way back from China: OH MY GOD WHOA I'm in a machine 50,000 feet in the air. I have no control, all I can do is pray.

In truth, every moment is like this- raw and unprotected. I experience control-less-ness on my yoga mat, too. That moment when the bass is no longer in the floor, but rattling up my spine; when the song is no longer on the stereo, but filling me up; when I am no longer my personality, I'm just doing what I want because this feels good and that feels good. And when I’m no longer sure what’s happening, but I’m breathing. In this mysterious moment, when everything is waking up, for some reason I get that same OH MY GOD WHOA! feeling.

And hear this: the more comfortable I am with not knowing, with OH MY GOD WHOA!...

the happier I get.

Really? How could such an uncertain, tenuous state make me happy?!

I’ll explain. The reason I’m writing any of this is because recently in my life, something occurred that wouldn’t have been my choice. I was wallowing in sadness and fear when a good friend told me, with a loving harshness, not to give it so much attention. Don’t give the mind so much attention.

From his words I realized I just have to keep on truckin’ through the storm, just keep doing my job, which is to Love. I’ve never stood up quite this way before.

In order to do so, I had to call upon Owen Meany, aforementioned Instrument of the Divine, to help me make friends with the idea that what I consider to be “bad and wrong” in my life might actually be grooming me, grooming me for my greater role as a part of this universe.

So, hanging with the unknown is saving me from my own mind, who is distracted, directs loudly, approaches me and others with meanness and harshness, and as a result makes me feel like a loser baby (so why don't you…).

As an Instrument, I just listen quietly, follow honorably, love fiercely, and keep on going courageously.