I get scared really easily. When I walk home after dark, I'm scared. The kids on my block yell "fuck you bitch" at each other and that brings a dark, Kali-yug fear over me. When I'm typing my password into my online banking- trust me I'm scared. Some days, I'm SO scared of life that I want to drop my purse in the middle of the sidewalk, look up and shout "who the HELL is PROTECTING me here?!"
Nothing is protecting you. Except, perhaps, prayer.
Does that terrify you? It terrifies me. I thought something was protecting me- my mother, my teacher, my job. My parents worry as though worry will protect them from pain. But I'm beginning to see how not only are these things not protecting me from life, my fear isn't, either. We are all raw and exposed to the decisions of the Universe. Feeling fear will not shield me from what is feared!
What shifted? It was a few days ago that something came loose. I had the new experience of a Reiki session. Afterwards, I was walking in the cool spring air with my friend and I felt at ease on a level I had never felt before. It was a Glimpse. A glimpse of a way of being that is obviously possible, yet I do not regularly practice. We have glimpses like these as we do spiritual work: "wow, this is what love feels like." Or maybe it's a glimpse of spaciousness, awakeness, the true hipness of your Being!
So even though the next day I was back to normal, the memory of that Glimpse stayed with me. I think we crawl our way slowly back to what we glimpsed, using the memory of it, until it becomes our reality. I guess that's good news- I'm slowly, in immeasurable micro-increments, working my way back towards how I felt post-Reiki.
Today felt like progress. In fact, today I felt like a modern, Vans-slip-ons-wearing Joan of Arc. Facing the battle of life completely afraid, but facing it. For example, today as usual I felt the shrill shriek of my soul asking "what will become of me!" This question lets me know I'm freaked-out, and strangely it often occurs while I'm doing what I love, teaching. But today, after the question, came echo echo echo. Moving on.
I feel fear.
But I don't feel afraid.
It's powerful, and it Serves. Last week I was with someone I've always seen as fearless. In our conversation, I realized they were feeling doubtful about the future, and unsafe. Even though the idea of such a strong, protecting person being scared made me scared, I sensed how I could either perpetuate or stop the 'afraid.' I think that seeing the people I love be afraid has been my most powerful schooling in Courage. One of us needs to step up....I'll do it. I'm here to tell you that one way or another, you and I will be OK.
That's what I'm working towards. I still think that living is terrifying. But, not pretending that it's otherwise, I'm developing a new way of being- I'm really savoring the times I feel happy and safe. Today I took my favorite yoga class and I felt a new joy in being there- in singing, dancing, then sweetly resting with friends and family. How lucky. Maybe deep happiness comes from just deep understanding that nothing is promised.
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