GRACE

Be foolishly in love,

because love is all there is.

There is no way into presence

except through a love exchange.

If someone asks, But what is love?

answer, Dissolving the will.

-Rumi

A year ago, I felt graceful. 

Not grace as in a ability to move smoothly from Peaceful into Ardha- I can still do that. But grace as in my relative ability to accept how I feel without taking it out on somebody else, to want others to be happy even before myself, to help out even if I’m tired, to strive to output light into this world no matter what, to look toward the light always, and to accept myself as I am. 

This list compiles what I call Grace. Today, I don’t feel so able and I’m wondering, where did it all go, have I lost my yoga? When did I get demoted from Intermediate Yogic Living down to Yoga 101?!

I question, so I look back a year to May, 2011. I lived alone- no roommates. My family is across the country in California. Schedule too busy for a social life.  And my last relationship had been in... (tumbleweed blows by) ....

So, constantly busy, disconnected from my family, no one to come home to and not in a relationship. At the time, I liked it- no need to worry about a social life, or constant arguing with my mother, or having to be flexible or compromise with a roommate. I felt SO organized.  Under these sterile circumstances, I felt like I could really get a handle on being yogic- acting good, doing good, thinking good- on Grace.

Back to today- I can still glide through poses, but I seem to have less control over myself than I did in May. The way I feel overcomes me. I have trouble seeing the light. I get mired in ways I’m not perfect or mistakes I make. What the #&$^?

Well, I think the fall from Grace happened in July of 2011.  Around then, I fell in love! I let one deep relationship back into my life, I couldn’t help it. My yoga practice of pushing myself beyond my comfort zone had... worked! But life also got a lot messier and my ability to be graceful crumbled like an exposed mummy in Indiana Jones- poof. 

Today, I’m finally realizing..... it’s a good thing. 

It’s a good thing because real Grace comes from truly living- as messy as it is- and then still choosing to look toward the light. Not from creating a life that’s perfect, controllable, never has bumps, and then being positive. Like how real beauty comes from choosing to see the God or Goddess in how you were created, not from controlling or changing until it’s easier to feel beautiful. You only get real Grace from real living. You only get real from real.

It’s a tough pill to swallow (Lord I know- I’m not saying I always wanna take it). But it can be satisfying. While I would love to feel as sweet and graceful as I did a year ago, right now I have that satisfaction of knowing that I’m rebuilding something stronger. I’m choosing to engage in life and to utilize my heart, and if I can learn to be graceful living a life like that- even if it takes a while and some collateral damage- well damn, that’s a solid, fierce, yogic Grace. 

Speaking of fierce, when we are in love or choose to take a risk in any way- when we choose to truly live- our personal desires become heightened. We want something, we have something to lose! And Grace becomes more difficult since it is the opposite of this will.

So my question is, can we love passionately, follow dreams, take risks, interact with the world with all of our depth and still act with Grace- accepting how you feel without taking it out on somebody else, wanting others to be happy even before yourself, helping out even if you’re tired, striving to output light into this world no matter what, looking toward the light always, and accepting yourself as you are?

I know I feel like I’m starting from scratch. It’s so important to remember that Yoga is continuous evolution. Like a video game, when you first reach a new level it’s challenging to find the adeptness you had in the level before. But when you do, it’s vital that you move on to the next level. 

So if you are rebuilding like me, I think it takes a little abyasa- practice. Pulling out some of the texts, reviewing, meditating- remembering and practicing yogic ideas. If you are trying to propel to the next level it’s important to take risks with a sense of vairagya- non attachment. Or maybe you’re enjoying that sweet spot in the middle- of being an adept. Being new, becoming seasoned, and moving forward....I wonder if eventually we find a Grace that we just carry through all of the parts of the cycle.


Love,
Molly