heaven, hell & hari krisnas

Yesterday I was walking past the Hari Krisnas doing their thing in Union Sq. A big group, a man on the trumpet, jazzing the mantra. 

I thought to myself a strange thought, that if anything terrible ever befalls me, I will need to join them. I will need a stronger connection to Light, to know I belong to it, am wrapped in it, made of it, go to the next level, be immersed in God, not just friendly. I watched them for a minute wondering their stories. 

So many little ways I reach for Light. Gazing at my painting of the Goddess- her peaceful wise smile, relaxed beauty. Hugging the walls of Lotus, my NYC Temple. Lighting incense. By stopping to listen to the Haris, listening to mantras on iTunes... 

I remember that Raghunath said once that we can see Heaven and Hell right here in NYC- the heaven of the light hitting the buildings and the hell of a homeless person rotting on the street. 

I feel like the Hari Krisnas keep one hand in Heaven all the time- they never loose touch with home. 

To never lose touch with home,

To phone home.
Why not now, Wednesday?
Let's do it...

Apology v. Apology

We have come to be danced 

Not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance 

But the wring the sadness from our skin dance 

The blow the chip off our shoulder dance. 

The slap the apology from our posture dance.

This is a clip of the poem We Have Come To Be Danced by Jewel Mathieson. Some line of the poem has always moved me. Right now, it’s that last line there, about apology.

I’ve been noticing recently how much I apologize. I caught myself apologizing yesterday for my own physical pain. I very often apologize for my mood.  I apologize for my actions or words. I apologize when I feel I’ve disappointed someone else. 

Today, hanging out with my friend Luke, I noticed that apology was more a way of being. I wasn’t offering an apology- for some reason, I felt apologetic in general. As though something deep within me was unkempt and I had to be sorry.

I reflected on apologizing for things that don’t require an apology, and also the profound difference: apologizing for something versus apologizing for yourself. 

Take a second with these ideas.

I realized that apology is a tricky thing. There’s a tipping point where it goes from Light to Dark. A genuine apology is Light. But to extend apology into a sinking, sickening sensation of no longer being worth anything then becomes Dark. “I’m sorry I’m agitated” versus “I am an agitated being and I’m sorry for my presence.” 

To give an example: just this past weekend, my energy was weird. Who knows why- I had dark images floating around in me which resulted in a tweaked edginess. We are mysterious creatures. I apologized to those in my company, but I also began to feel really bad for my energy and that I couldn’t shift it. 

See, while it’s one thing to notice how I may have affected someone else and to feel sorry for that, it’s a whole other ballgame to tell myself that it was bad or wrong to have been in whatever state I was in.

This is such a new idea for me, and maybe for you- the idea that apology can be taken too far. Shouldn’t it be OK to not be quite OK? 

.... (Yes!) 

Gosh. Somewhere along the way in my life I set my standards so high. Things like crying or yelling or farting or being tired or whatever now required apology.

But I would like my love for myself be so big that is can encompass this stuff, too. Like a health plan with broader coverage, I just want to be able to feel, have bodily functions, make mistakes....offer up an apology if needed...

and then move on. 

And I can. I can extend my own love-plan to cover anything I’d like. What I can’t do is be sure that other people will agree, and sometimes that’s tough. We sometimes forget that the people we love do not belong to us- they can come or they can go. 

But we must be who we are. Don’t let this stop you from widening your compassion for yourself. It will make the apologies you DO choose to give more sincere. People will be at ease in your presence, or even take refuge in it. Most importantly, the people in your life will know that the love you offer to them comes from an honest place instead of from attachment- it’s a genuine gift, instead of recompense.


Less apologizing will also free up tons of mental space for other stuff in your life.

But most most importantly, we must not apologize too much for ourselves because it slows down our journey. This little story says it well:

"There are stories of Tibetan Buddhist Lamas trying to banish demons with exorcisms and spells, to no avail. But when the lamas extended compassion to them, the demons found peace and were liberated from their painful state." 

Love will help you evolve. 

Love,

Molly

truthfirst

Over my weekend these events occurred:

1. Saw Moonrise Kingdom

2. Comfortably Numb remix played on repeat

3. Admitted some truthful but scary stuff

These events were undoubtedly paired together by the Universe as a message to me. 

Molly,

You can live,

or you can be afraid.

Love,

Universe

I've battled this choice in my life a lot. I don't like to do things that might be painful in some way because pain is...unpleasant! For fear of the lows, I sometimes sacrifice all of the possible highs. 

But I've also learned that life in fear is so boring. I've tried it out. Eventually I can't stand it, my hunger to live overcomes my fear of it. This past year of not being so careful, I've encountered the hardest year of my life. And the best. 

In the new movie Moonrise Kingdom, two spirited 12-year olds also refuse to play safe. The place where they live and the lives of the other characters in the movie are pretty comfortable and boring, no huge highs or huge lows. But these two kids don't want that- they want to LIVE and LOVE and do it. You end up admiring them so much. You have a crush on them. Cancel your other plans tonight and go see it. If this blog gets you to do one thing, do that.

On the way to the movie I had earphones in and jammed in falsetto to a Comfortably Numb remix. To me, the song is a dialogue between an evil "Playing it Safe" voice and a heroic "Truly Living" voice. The 1st and 3rd stanzas could also be the voice of the small self, and the 2nd and 4th the voice of the True Self: 

Hello,

Is there anybody in there

Just nod if you can hear me

Is there anyone at home

Come on now

I hear you're feeling down

I can ease your pain

And get you on your feet again

Relax

I'll need some information first

Just the basic facts

Can you show me where it hurts

There is no pain, you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever

My hands felt just like two balloons

Now I've got that feeling once again

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

O.K.

Just a little pin prick

There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!

But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working, good

That'll keep you going through the show

Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown

The dream is gone

And I have become

Comfortably numb.

On the subject of comfortably numb, how about comfortably closed off? I always hold back from really showing or admitting to Love because I'm afraid it won't be returned. Ever do that? But on Saturday evening, I didn't hold back. Without fear, I just laid it all out there. Looking back, I'm blushing. Like I said I usually choose safety over truth. This time I chose the truth over safety.

Sorta like Suzie and Sam in Moonrise Kingdom! Their truth was that they wanted adventure, and they sacrificed safety to get it. 

Suzie and Sam are my heroes. We might be comfortable when we're numb, but we'll never get to the Moonrise Kindgom. It's yoga- make truth more powerful than fear, whatever is the truth, jump truthfirst into it. If we truly feel it, could we START WITH: "I love you so much!" or "this is so fun!" or "this is delicious!" or "I'm gonna dance!" or "I want to see the world!"

and wonder if it's safe second...

or not at all.

Love,

Molly

GRACE

Be foolishly in love,

because love is all there is.

There is no way into presence

except through a love exchange.

If someone asks, But what is love?

answer, Dissolving the will.

-Rumi

A year ago, I felt graceful. 

Not grace as in a ability to move smoothly from Peaceful into Ardha- I can still do that. But grace as in my relative ability to accept how I feel without taking it out on somebody else, to want others to be happy even before myself, to help out even if I’m tired, to strive to output light into this world no matter what, to look toward the light always, and to accept myself as I am. 

This list compiles what I call Grace. Today, I don’t feel so able and I’m wondering, where did it all go, have I lost my yoga? When did I get demoted from Intermediate Yogic Living down to Yoga 101?!

I question, so I look back a year to May, 2011. I lived alone- no roommates. My family is across the country in California. Schedule too busy for a social life.  And my last relationship had been in... (tumbleweed blows by) ....

So, constantly busy, disconnected from my family, no one to come home to and not in a relationship. At the time, I liked it- no need to worry about a social life, or constant arguing with my mother, or having to be flexible or compromise with a roommate. I felt SO organized.  Under these sterile circumstances, I felt like I could really get a handle on being yogic- acting good, doing good, thinking good- on Grace.

Back to today- I can still glide through poses, but I seem to have less control over myself than I did in May. The way I feel overcomes me. I have trouble seeing the light. I get mired in ways I’m not perfect or mistakes I make. What the #&$^?

Well, I think the fall from Grace happened in July of 2011.  Around then, I fell in love! I let one deep relationship back into my life, I couldn’t help it. My yoga practice of pushing myself beyond my comfort zone had... worked! But life also got a lot messier and my ability to be graceful crumbled like an exposed mummy in Indiana Jones- poof. 

Today, I’m finally realizing..... it’s a good thing. 

It’s a good thing because real Grace comes from truly living- as messy as it is- and then still choosing to look toward the light. Not from creating a life that’s perfect, controllable, never has bumps, and then being positive. Like how real beauty comes from choosing to see the God or Goddess in how you were created, not from controlling or changing until it’s easier to feel beautiful. You only get real Grace from real living. You only get real from real.

It’s a tough pill to swallow (Lord I know- I’m not saying I always wanna take it). But it can be satisfying. While I would love to feel as sweet and graceful as I did a year ago, right now I have that satisfaction of knowing that I’m rebuilding something stronger. I’m choosing to engage in life and to utilize my heart, and if I can learn to be graceful living a life like that- even if it takes a while and some collateral damage- well damn, that’s a solid, fierce, yogic Grace. 

Speaking of fierce, when we are in love or choose to take a risk in any way- when we choose to truly live- our personal desires become heightened. We want something, we have something to lose! And Grace becomes more difficult since it is the opposite of this will.

So my question is, can we love passionately, follow dreams, take risks, interact with the world with all of our depth and still act with Grace- accepting how you feel without taking it out on somebody else, wanting others to be happy even before yourself, helping out even if you’re tired, striving to output light into this world no matter what, looking toward the light always, and accepting yourself as you are?

I know I feel like I’m starting from scratch. It’s so important to remember that Yoga is continuous evolution. Like a video game, when you first reach a new level it’s challenging to find the adeptness you had in the level before. But when you do, it’s vital that you move on to the next level. 

So if you are rebuilding like me, I think it takes a little abyasa- practice. Pulling out some of the texts, reviewing, meditating- remembering and practicing yogic ideas. If you are trying to propel to the next level it’s important to take risks with a sense of vairagya- non attachment. Or maybe you’re enjoying that sweet spot in the middle- of being an adept. Being new, becoming seasoned, and moving forward....I wonder if eventually we find a Grace that we just carry through all of the parts of the cycle.


Love,
Molly

STRENGTHEN YOUR... ATMAN

Sometimes I feel like a marionette. Everything I do comes out of the force that is controlling me. Though ultimately the Universe is the force-in- charge, there are other forces, like demi-gods, that seem big and in control.

For me, Fear is one of these demi-gods, and in control a lot. When fear takes over I don’t see it coming, or know that power has changed hands, or stop and say “wow, fear is in control right now.” Nope. I get upset, accuse, or lose heart.

For you, it could look different. But it’s sneaky, it comes in and takes over, and prevents you from being you.

Last week I was telling my therapist about an interaction I had where I wasn’t happy with how I acted. "I feel terrible for acting like that" I said. She asked me, “If you had felt like you had a choice in that moment, would have acted like that?”

No one has ever put it like that to me before. If I had had a choice....if I had felt any choice in the matter I would have chosen to be caring instead of angry. But I didn't feel like I had a choice-I felt like a marionette. My fear was bigger than the rest of me, and telling me what to do.

Does that ever happen to you, something not quite right dictating and telling you what to do? And do you listen? In Yoga, whenever something has your strings, fear or anger or whatever is your thing, it’s called ‘small self’.

The opposite is the big Self-called Atman. BKS Iyengar calls Atman "the individual spirit" and Georg Feuerstein calls it "our true nature or identity." Atman is the rest of you, the ‘Self’ with a big ‘S’, the being we be when those not-so-godly demi-gods are no longer in control. If every state of the small self is tinted a color, Atman is just clear, like the purest water. Atman can feel joy, while small self cannot. Imagine acting from your deepest, most beloved life intention all the time-how would you look and what would you do?

The question becomes how to strengthen the Atman! It’s such a ridiculous bummer to be ‘in’ the small self. Completely controlled, no perspective, everything in life assumes the scent of whatever is in control. We take a compliment as an insult, misinterpret someone’s actions, put up a wall, become distant or unable to give. I’ve been practicing yoga for 7 years and am still uncovering and working with layers of the small self. But as I do, every year gets better than the one before-it’s a combination of weakening the small self and strengthening the Self.

...

Fear not. If nurtured, Self can become more powerful than self. All we have to do is put some effort towards Atman, the same sort of effort we put towards a plant or pet.

Q: So, how do I grow little Atman into a big, strong warrior?

I've been asking myself this question (-:

Meditate on something clean, such as the breath or a mantra. Meditating on something clean, you return to clear.

Find a yoga class where you feel safe enough to let go of your surroundings and truly dance with your breath- for the whole hour and a half- bringing your mind back to your body or breath whenever it strays.

Buy mala beads, pick a mantra that feels right, sit down and repeat it 108 or more times, allowing the purifying sound and vibration to clean out your being.

My firmest suggestion is: learn to meditate- the technique. It’s a skill everyone should have- like being able to read and write. Meditation teaches how to truly get your mind OFF of any negativity and return to neutral, to Self.

Q: How do I weaken those other things that try to control me?

Great question, because they do need to be weakened. I was pretty honest up top that I see a therapist, and it really helps.

But perhaps the greatest aid is Satsang, the company of one or a few who are also trying to be free from the pettiness of small self and who are journeying into Truth. Find some others like you, talk about your small selves and big Selves, point them out to each other, love each other through the storms of small self, and admire each other’s Atmans.

...

The times in my life when I’ve been released from the marionette strings, from fear, life has become radiant. I’ve felt deeply connected to another person, I’ve been able to feel love, and been able to help heal another’s pain. It’s worth the effort, the 20 minutes or hour a day it takes to strengthen your Atman.

Song Rec:

Wade in the Water

Sweet Honey in the Rock

___

I know exactly what to do

but at the same time

I'm going off the deep end....

Ever felt that? It seems a paradox, but tonight was the perfect example:

I got a massage. During the massage as my muscles were asked to open up, days/weeks/months/years of pent up negativity poured out. Instinctively I knew I had to let it out- like an exorcism. But I cried, shuddered, and felt scared like I had nothing to hold on to. I knew I had to just fall apart, but if felt like lunacy. I thought to myself, "I have no idea where this is going."

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time the phrase "I have no idea where this is going" has come up in the 7 years I've been practicing yoga....

If I stop thinking, if I follow this strange energy, if I listen to that quiet strong voice, where will I go? We are trepidatious, but yoga isn't about knowing, it's about opening. And opening is often intense, frightening, uncertain, and turbulent.

My purpose here is to say: GOOD. Keep going. As a yogi, choosing to be awake, this is how it rolls. Relax, it's going to be a bumpy ride. In fact, if you tell me your ride isn't bumpy I raise an eyebrow at you.

You might get some flack for it. I've unfortunately noticed that sometimes there's judgement against those in the process of opening and waking up: "You're crazy. There's a pill for someone like you. You're a handful." Anyone ever told you you're a handful, and what is the definition? Someone who causes trouble, can't quite adjust, or makes things more difficult than they need to be?

A couple people in my life have told me I'm a whopping handful. They have evidence to back it up dating from my infancy- wild tantrums, uncontrollable fits of sobbing, eating disorders, depression, uncooperativeness...

My question is: Am I a handful, or am I just alive?

I'm learning that yoga, and living, isn't really cute and contained. Maybe "a handful" is really just a bad title, misgiven to those who just aren't quite enlightened but really working on it. And wait...shouldn't these people be encouraged?! We can come up with a better name. A name that honors the fact that working out deep patterns and making that enormous leap from fearful living to love is NOT EASY.

How about, instead, to celebrate these wakeful folks (or your woken-up self!) as warriors. As Hafiz says, someone who "tames the beasts of their past so that night's hoofs and no longer break the jeweled vision of their heart."

If you are taking responsibility for what holds you back from happiness I applaud you as my teacher, inspiration, and as a true yogi, even if it's a little messy.

On Tuesday in Dana Flynn's yoga class I got a little messy. Crying from twisting through savasana, I let it come out. Dana's attitude was welcoming, creating the space for me to fall apart- she even seemed a little grateful that someone else goes through it, too. The people in my life who have encouraged me to open at any cost are dear to me. If you are as eccentric as Shams, find a friend like Rumi!

For these beloved people, I do think it's important to learn how to fall gracefully, practicing ahimsa, not causing harm to them or yourself. Take responsibility in this way.

But then, get in it.

In the words of a favorite song:

'if you want change in your life and you're avoiding the trouble, you can forget it. So Harriet would say, wade on in the water...'

I'll meet you on the other side.

I once read "fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth." I would venture to say so is depression. Maybe not all forms, but there is a type of depression which occurs as we peel away layers of vrttis and ourselves. To myself, I call this 'soft depression' As we move closer to the truth, it can often seem like a letdown.

I found myself "let-down" yesterday. Nothing would make me happy. Not happy thoughts about my life, happy prospects about the future, not peanut butter hot cocoa, not the Metropolitan Museum, not a movie, not my boyfriend offering to do whatever I wanted. I looked for God- or beauty that could move me- everywhere, but couldn't seem to find it. Listless, gray, misplacing God, I wanted to quit.

After I exhausted all I could think of to lift my spirits, there was nothing left but to just hang with the darkness. You know that place? Some people call it rock bottom. "I remember, I remember when I lost my mind" sings Gnarls Barclay. One gives in to the mysterious forces at work, helpless otherwise, one becomes still.

I was silent for a long time. Just waiting...for something to come along and help me understand.

60 minutes after I hit the bottom, feeling still and raw, I shared a close moment with another being. Immediately, my spirit woke up a little.

The key words there are stillness and rawness. They set the stage for me to wake up. Openness. From a state of being open beauty will touch us. We will feel love. But when we are not in a place of openness, beauty will not touch us and we will not feel love- not really. Then, we will search for satisfaction in the mind, the future, in sensual pleasures, in activity or distraction, or in somebody else. This disease of searching for satisfaction where it cannot be found manifests a symptom like emptiness or depression.

You might wonder, what's wrong with thinking happy thoughts about life, about the future, drinking PB hot cocoa, etc?! And the answer is: nothing (Three Tarts on 23rd and 9th has the PB cocoa, btw) The problem comes when we think this is all we need in order to run. I'm learning that nothing that arises from my mind or senses is really enough to keep me running.

So what am I actually looking for, what WILL I run on? I think human beings are fueled by some pretty deep, high caliber gasoline. Two things.1. GIVING love. LOVE-ing the verb. And,

2. OPENNESS. Rawness, exposure. Here, I feel able to be moved by life, and able to actually receive the love that comes my way.

So, we practice. Practice loving and opening.

Of the two, today the latter is more difficult. How do I break open without breaking down? After I was depressed I felt so fresh, real, and plaque-free....can I feel like that all the time?

About opening, I was reminded of the beginning of a poem by Mark Nepo. My teacher, Dana Flynn, read it in class:

Having loved enough and lost enough, I am no longer searching, just opening.

No Longer trying to make sense of pain, but trying to be a soft and sturdy home in which real things can land.

Life is about opening, more and more. I don't know exactly how a being opens but I know the more I want to, the more I do. A huge part of opening, evolving, is investigating. Why am I depressed? Or angry? Sitting with it, I found my depression to be the symptom of a greater issue; me putting regular into a tank that only takes premium.

The place on the Path in between where we've been and where we're going is soft depression. Just beyond believing that maya (illusion) will satisfy us and just before really knowing how to LIVE in love and openness. It's tempting to run away from this in-between space, but hanging out here is the only way to learn how to live differently. The weirdness, whackness or depression...instead of the Universe punishing us is actually the Universe loving us, raising the incentive for us to figure out the difference between sort of happy and damn happy.