truthfirst

Over my weekend these events occurred:

1. Saw Moonrise Kingdom

2. Comfortably Numb remix played on repeat

3. Admitted some truthful but scary stuff

These events were undoubtedly paired together by the Universe as a message to me. 

Molly,

You can live,

or you can be afraid.

Love,

Universe

I've battled this choice in my life a lot. I don't like to do things that might be painful in some way because pain is...unpleasant! For fear of the lows, I sometimes sacrifice all of the possible highs. 

But I've also learned that life in fear is so boring. I've tried it out. Eventually I can't stand it, my hunger to live overcomes my fear of it. This past year of not being so careful, I've encountered the hardest year of my life. And the best. 

In the new movie Moonrise Kingdom, two spirited 12-year olds also refuse to play safe. The place where they live and the lives of the other characters in the movie are pretty comfortable and boring, no huge highs or huge lows. But these two kids don't want that- they want to LIVE and LOVE and do it. You end up admiring them so much. You have a crush on them. Cancel your other plans tonight and go see it. If this blog gets you to do one thing, do that.

On the way to the movie I had earphones in and jammed in falsetto to a Comfortably Numb remix. To me, the song is a dialogue between an evil "Playing it Safe" voice and a heroic "Truly Living" voice. The 1st and 3rd stanzas could also be the voice of the small self, and the 2nd and 4th the voice of the True Self: 

Hello,

Is there anybody in there

Just nod if you can hear me

Is there anyone at home

Come on now

I hear you're feeling down

I can ease your pain

And get you on your feet again

Relax

I'll need some information first

Just the basic facts

Can you show me where it hurts

There is no pain, you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever

My hands felt just like two balloons

Now I've got that feeling once again

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

O.K.

Just a little pin prick

There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!

But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working, good

That'll keep you going through the show

Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown

The dream is gone

And I have become

Comfortably numb.

On the subject of comfortably numb, how about comfortably closed off? I always hold back from really showing or admitting to Love because I'm afraid it won't be returned. Ever do that? But on Saturday evening, I didn't hold back. Without fear, I just laid it all out there. Looking back, I'm blushing. Like I said I usually choose safety over truth. This time I chose the truth over safety.

Sorta like Suzie and Sam in Moonrise Kingdom! Their truth was that they wanted adventure, and they sacrificed safety to get it. 

Suzie and Sam are my heroes. We might be comfortable when we're numb, but we'll never get to the Moonrise Kindgom. It's yoga- make truth more powerful than fear, whatever is the truth, jump truthfirst into it. If we truly feel it, could we START WITH: "I love you so much!" or "this is so fun!" or "this is delicious!" or "I'm gonna dance!" or "I want to see the world!"

and wonder if it's safe second...

or not at all.

Love,

Molly

GRACE

Be foolishly in love,

because love is all there is.

There is no way into presence

except through a love exchange.

If someone asks, But what is love?

answer, Dissolving the will.

-Rumi

A year ago, I felt graceful. 

Not grace as in a ability to move smoothly from Peaceful into Ardha- I can still do that. But grace as in my relative ability to accept how I feel without taking it out on somebody else, to want others to be happy even before myself, to help out even if I’m tired, to strive to output light into this world no matter what, to look toward the light always, and to accept myself as I am. 

This list compiles what I call Grace. Today, I don’t feel so able and I’m wondering, where did it all go, have I lost my yoga? When did I get demoted from Intermediate Yogic Living down to Yoga 101?!

I question, so I look back a year to May, 2011. I lived alone- no roommates. My family is across the country in California. Schedule too busy for a social life.  And my last relationship had been in... (tumbleweed blows by) ....

So, constantly busy, disconnected from my family, no one to come home to and not in a relationship. At the time, I liked it- no need to worry about a social life, or constant arguing with my mother, or having to be flexible or compromise with a roommate. I felt SO organized.  Under these sterile circumstances, I felt like I could really get a handle on being yogic- acting good, doing good, thinking good- on Grace.

Back to today- I can still glide through poses, but I seem to have less control over myself than I did in May. The way I feel overcomes me. I have trouble seeing the light. I get mired in ways I’m not perfect or mistakes I make. What the #&$^?

Well, I think the fall from Grace happened in July of 2011.  Around then, I fell in love! I let one deep relationship back into my life, I couldn’t help it. My yoga practice of pushing myself beyond my comfort zone had... worked! But life also got a lot messier and my ability to be graceful crumbled like an exposed mummy in Indiana Jones- poof. 

Today, I’m finally realizing..... it’s a good thing. 

It’s a good thing because real Grace comes from truly living- as messy as it is- and then still choosing to look toward the light. Not from creating a life that’s perfect, controllable, never has bumps, and then being positive. Like how real beauty comes from choosing to see the God or Goddess in how you were created, not from controlling or changing until it’s easier to feel beautiful. You only get real Grace from real living. You only get real from real.

It’s a tough pill to swallow (Lord I know- I’m not saying I always wanna take it). But it can be satisfying. While I would love to feel as sweet and graceful as I did a year ago, right now I have that satisfaction of knowing that I’m rebuilding something stronger. I’m choosing to engage in life and to utilize my heart, and if I can learn to be graceful living a life like that- even if it takes a while and some collateral damage- well damn, that’s a solid, fierce, yogic Grace. 

Speaking of fierce, when we are in love or choose to take a risk in any way- when we choose to truly live- our personal desires become heightened. We want something, we have something to lose! And Grace becomes more difficult since it is the opposite of this will.

So my question is, can we love passionately, follow dreams, take risks, interact with the world with all of our depth and still act with Grace- accepting how you feel without taking it out on somebody else, wanting others to be happy even before yourself, helping out even if you’re tired, striving to output light into this world no matter what, looking toward the light always, and accepting yourself as you are?

I know I feel like I’m starting from scratch. It’s so important to remember that Yoga is continuous evolution. Like a video game, when you first reach a new level it’s challenging to find the adeptness you had in the level before. But when you do, it’s vital that you move on to the next level. 

So if you are rebuilding like me, I think it takes a little abyasa- practice. Pulling out some of the texts, reviewing, meditating- remembering and practicing yogic ideas. If you are trying to propel to the next level it’s important to take risks with a sense of vairagya- non attachment. Or maybe you’re enjoying that sweet spot in the middle- of being an adept. Being new, becoming seasoned, and moving forward....I wonder if eventually we find a Grace that we just carry through all of the parts of the cycle.


Love,
Molly